I was writing a post about all the epic challenges I have been doing with Trail Monsters as part of our way of staying connected without being together, but my wife asked me a question associated with the pandemic last night that has sent me down another thought path, “Why are you holding it together so well?”. She has been struggling the last week harder then before with the stay-at-home orders. Her life outside our home has been turned upside down. Her breaks, her solitude and her physical connections with friends have been decimated. These are all things she relays on to stay balanced in life. Having virtual time with friends doesn’t help her, she craves and needs to be with them physically. All that is okay, we all are different, but it leaves me wondering why I am different.
I initially believed that difference to be because of my running. It has been a dedicated and regular part life for 28 years and it hasn’t changed much with the pandemic. My races have been cancelled, some trails that I love closed, and I am back to running mostly in solitude. I am so use to running alone that it is second nature to me. It has only been in the last year with my new friend Adam and my new trail family that I have found the joy of running with others.
Over the years, I have spent hundreds of hours on my own struggling through physical and mental pain to summit a peak or complete a ridiculous trail in under a certain time. Not for accolades, not for recognition, but simply to prove to myself that I can do it. Even when I was eleven and just starting dedicated training, I ran up the local mountain by myself. To this day, I think Waldo Mountain is probably my most summitted peak, although Bradbury has probably taken it down. My initial thought was all that time alone over the years has conditioned me for solitude and a pandemic situation. But, I now believe that to be wrong. Has it conditioned me to be adaptable when faced with adversity? Mentally tough to push through, when you just want to lay down and quit? Physically tough to push through pain? Yes, it has done all those things, but my wife is also all those things and much more.
She has faced more physical and mental adversity in her life then I have. She has shattered her lower spine, recovered, and became a runner to prove to herself and doctors that her life wasn’t restricted. She has grown two babies inside of her beautiful body and fought through all the mental and physical fatigue of rearing children. She has faced all the adversities our society create for women on a daily basis. And through all the aches and pains life has thrown at her she has fought to find her self identify that was left undiscovered in her childhood trying to be someone she wasn’t. She is tough as nails and one of my main inspiration on my solitude adventures. She may not realize this, but she inspires me to do what I do. When I am out there on some crazy terrain wanting to quit I always think “what would Sarah do? and the answer is always the same, push on. So why, with all conditioning she has had in her life would weeks of staying at home push her to tears and depression? Where as I am doing “okay”?
I think the answer is as simple as consistent self-care. My running is a primary part of my self-identity and it hasn’t been altered that much due to the pandemic. I am still able to go out and enjoy it, probably more frequently then before. Sarah’s self-identity was turned upside down and she has struggled to keep hold of anything consistent. We are trying to reconnect her to the things she loves, but as such a physical being it has been very tough. We will find a path for her and hopefully help her struggle.
My advise to all of those in a similar struggle is to find that one tangible thing that is part of who you are and dedicate daily time to it. Even if it is just an hour, half-hour, whatever you can dedicate to it then do so. If you don’t know what that one thing is then spend time trying to find it. If you still can’t find it then that is okay, because you are not alone. So many are struggling with re-balancing self-care or may not have had it in the first place. It okay to put yourself out there, try something new, or to try practice things you are bad at. The important part is to just take that first step and be consistent. The answer is not binge watching another series on Netflix eating another bag of chips. That isn’t self care, that is further self isolation. Make it something that connects to you on the mental or physical plain and you will be taking care of the most important person in your life, you.
I think that has been one of the most important lessons running has taught me, how to take care of myself. Sometimes I lose sight in the moments that deep down for me it isn’t about being the fastest runner, having the most endurance, winning a race, or more recently winning a TMR challenge. It is just about being out there and doing it. Running has always brought a peace and balance to me while the chaos that we call life swirls around. It is the eye of my storm so to speak. For me the pandemic is just another part of that storm. I hope anyone that takes the time to read my babbling has found or can find their eye, as I do believe we have a long road ahead of us before anything resembles what we had before.
Happy Trails.
Running with Love 