2020…..

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”- Alan Watts.

This year has been one riddled with turmoil, change, and stress on the global scale. We have faced and continue to face a pandemic with countless lives impacted. One where what we do or not do will impact generations to come. We continue deal with political unrest with a standing President refusing to concede the election results and tens of millions supporting his disgraceful actions as he continues to spew a message of hate and discontent. I want to say as a society we faced and fought against atrocities committed against people of color, but that isn’t true. We did what we always do and are sweeping it under the rug. The media moved on, white people moved on, we let the latest and greatest thing, yet again, distract us from the work that needs to be done to make our society fair and equitable for all. Our racism is so deeply woven in our society that it will take massive political shifts and policies to make real change happen and people of color need white people like me in their corner. But what can I do besides educated myself, listen and support? I haven’t found my place in the Black Livers Matter movement, so far the little things I do only amount to words, no real tangible actions to help.

My privileges in life afford me the safety in not being too stressed by all that 2020 has brought us. I don’ t live in fear of Covid, my employment has remained steady, but slower to allow me more opportunities to spend time with family and run. I am a cis gender white male with a wife, 2 kids, a nice home, a dog and a ‘white picketed fence’. I grew up poor without running water and a flushable toilet 80% of the year, eating canned spinach, government peanut butter and powered milk at times. My born privileges gave me the opportunity to work hard, and do better for myself. I am literally the “American Dream”. I have never lived a day of fear in my life and will never fully understand how tiring, heartbreaking, scary, sad or angry living the life of a person of color, women, or a member of the LGBQT or god forbid you are all three, is for someone.

I have spent 2020 not suffering from these things. I have spent my year getting more time with my family then I have ever had. I have climbed enough summits and gained enough elevation to have ascended from Everest’s base camp to the summit over 22 times. I have earned my first 100 mile distance belt buckle, spent many hours running with friends, experienced sunsets and sunrises on the mountain tops, and have explored new to me trails, all amounting to over 2,200 miles and 500 hours of doing what I love. All in all, for me, I couldn’t really ask for much better of a year.

I feel safe enough and hopeful enough to set my sights on 2021. I have lofty plans to finish the Androscoggin Riverlands 100 Mile race strong in early May. I will be spending my time between now and then training hard under the the watchful eye of my new coach. I have been working with Matt Urbanski for the last two months and it has been great. He has great insights and different approaches to conditioning that have me excited.

After Riverland’s, in the month of June, I plan on hiking/running all 14 of Maine’s mountain peaks over 4,000 feet. I am very excited for this one, as there are a few I have never done and my wife plans on joining in on all of them. It will be a wonderful experience to spend that time with her in the mountains and enjoying the simplicity of being in nature, away from the chaos and schedules of our daily routines.

At the end of July I plan on tackling a 100K race in Colorado called Never Summer. From the event site “This is a mountain race in the truest sense of the term, with extended periods of high alpine ridge running, two alpine peaks, and five alpine lakes visited along the way. When above timberline, you will enjoy huge views of the northern Never Summer Mountains to the south, the stunning peaks of RMNP to the southeast, expansive vistas across North Park to the Park Range above Steamboat Springs to the west, and even north out to Wyoming’s Snowy Range.” The race covers a “huge variety of terrain, from cross country, to jeep and logging roads, to bomber alpine trail, and pretty much everything in between.” Coach Matt has done very well in this race in years past and I am sure his insights will be invaluable to my training. In his words “it has everything you want and some you don’t want in a 100K”. This event probably has me the most nervous, because of the higher altitude. Historically, I have been disappointed in my performances out west, because the altitude kicks my ass, but as long as a remember to run by effort not by pace, then I will have a positive experience.

After Never Summer, there of course is my deferred 2020 race of the Barkley Fall Classic in September, and then back in Millinocket for my 5th running of that marathon. You also better believe there will be a couple Pemi loops tossed in my training, some other epic mountain runs, and if time allows a go at the 50 mile NH Hut Challenge in the White Mountains where the goal is to touch all the 8 of the AMC huts in under 24 hours.

I am hopeful that all my running plans for 2021 will go off without a hitch. I am hopeful that the vaccines for Covid will be effective. I am hopeful that President elect Biden’s message of healing and unity will start to bring the country back together. I am hopeful that this healing can lead to some real concrete actions to make life more equal for all. I am not delusional that it will, but my privilege allows me to remain hopeful or the more honest statement, my privilege allows me to not be impacted if it doesn’t.

That selfishness is the underlining message for this year for me. The majority of people only truly take action towards what impacts them directly, myself included. The pandemic and BLM have shown us that very clearly. Humanity as whole is not ready to tackle that of which is best for everyone. We truly only still care about ourselves and do what we each need to do for our individual survival. I can say that this year has not challenged my own selfishness, my own dark side as philosopher Alan Watts would put it. I would say the only thing that has in my entire life is my children. I often put their needs/wants in front of my own, but is that true selflessness, as I do get something in return for those acts within myself. I don’t really know.

Selflessness is something I have thought a lot on my runs this year. What can I do to truly show that I care that hundreds of thousands of my fellow country men and women have died this year, and nearly 2 million world wide. What can I do to support the BLM or woman’s rights or LGBQT rights? I could protest every day. Call my congress people every day. I could sacrifice all my runs, all my time, all that I have and those acts of selflessness would do absolutely no good. It wouldn’t change a damn thing except impact myself and my family. So I make a conscious choice every day to stay with the status que and to be selfish.

Perhaps one day I will be presented with a moment to act, an act of true selflessness that will have an impact on that of which matters beyond my own little world. The only action that I take and will continue to take is educating myself on history, the none white washed version, and continue to do what is best for society in a pandemic and wear my damn mask. Maybe these acts in themselves make me less selfish? Again, I don’t know.

What I do know is that 2020 was a pretty great year for me. And I am not sure that I am sorry about that, but maybe I should be.